Overthinking it: League of Legends – Sensible Male Champions? Part 2
The end of this particular saga, and definitely the hardest to write of the three posts. How can you aptly determine whether a monster or something else that’s non-people is ‘sensible’ or not?
And yet that is exactly what I am going to attempt to do. I don’t really expect all that much agreement on this one, as I’m sure everyone has their own ideas for which of these would actually do well if you tried to apply some ‘real-world logic’ to it.
If you’ve read the first two, you should know the drill by now. I don’t play the game, nor have I ever, I merely thought it would be interesting to evaluate whether the champions are sensible and/or practical only based on how they look and however much I bother reading up on the lore that goes with the official list.
Edit: Added the monster champion Thresh.
Edit II: Added the monster champion Zac.
Edit III: Updated Trundle’s profile to reflect his retcon.
Edit IV: Made it so all the small images link to larger versions.
Edit V: Added the monster champion Aatrox.
All artwork below accredited to Riot Games.
A steampunk robot! The legs are a potential weak spot, and I hope the circle in the middle of his chest has thick plating. The hoses might also be a weakness, but overall I have some faith in this design. I’m willing to award it a clanking Pro.
Wait, they got a Tyranid Hive Tyrant in there? Blimey. I know my Dawn of War 2, and Hive Tyrants are serious badassery. Though the head looks more like a Ravener Alpha. I’m calling this one a frightening Pro, since he’d probably eat me if I gave him any less. Might eat me anyway.
Now that’s what I call a solid-looking gargoyle. His wings seem to be properly leathery though, which might be a weak point, but I’m not sure whether he could actually sustain his weight with them anyway, so they might be for intimidation purposes. That’s proper living rock, that is. A stone-cold Pro.
That hand looks like that of a ninja turtle. More specifically of the mutant variety, and he might once have been teenage. The six eyes (or possibly five eyes and a glowing nose) are a bit puzzling though. His attire is good in that it does not reveal any weaknesses that I can see. I have no way of telling whether he has armour underneath or not. I guess he’s a mutagenic Pro.
I love that robe. It’s such an awesome wizard’s robe. Yeah yeah, he’s a lich, I know. And with that book and the thing he’s holding up, it’s almost like he’s trying to be the Statue of Liberty’s twisted mirror image. Yup, this one’s an undead Pro.
Another Tyranid? What’s this one then? The closest semblance (to my knowledge) is to a Lictor, though it doesn’t have the right face. The stealth and everything else fits though. While I don’t fear them as much as I do Hive Tyrant/Ravager hybrids, I am still going to give him a hungering Pro in the hopes that it buys me time to get away.
I feel on surer ground here. A rocky golem. Or possibly an earth elemental. Looks solid. Fairly certain this guy can withstand a lot of punishment with little ill effect. So I’ll give him a gravelly Pro. Why does he have a mouth though? Does he eat? Breathe? Talk?
So this is either an undead in a suit of armour, or a possessed suit of armour? The bio wasn’t exactly clear, and I did actually read it twice for this guy. There is really nothing to nitpick at regarding his armouring, that much is certain. You’d do damn well if you managed to break through that thing. I can call him a suited Pro.
Another well-armoured hulk of a being. The only real issue I’m seeing is the rather big open gap over his face. Probably not much of a weakness though. I’ll grant him the benefit of the doubt and assign him a submerged Pro.
An intelligent crystal scorpion? Cor. I’m intrigued. You’d have to be pretty strong to exploit any sort of ‘weakness’ on this one, but I guess everyone in the League is supposed to be pretty strong. I quite like this one though. Would it be mean of me to call him an uncut Pro?
So apparently Spawn and Raziel somehow got together quite intimately (I’m sure the slashfic exists out there somewhere) and this thing is the result of their forbidden tryst. I don’t see anything particularly wrong with this creature, apart from having to wonder why skeletal dreadlocks are a thing. And while his bio might reveal what that key’s for, I prefer to use my imagination and dub him a soulful Pro.
From what I understood this guy was possessed by the machine overmind, or something like that. For a ranged caster I’d say he’s excessively well-armoured. No clue what is up with the one huge shoulder-guard though. Is that where the third arm sprouts from? That’s most practical, by the way. Why not add an extra pair of arms while he was at it though, instead of just a single extra arm? I guess he’s the heralding Pro.
So this is a being of pure magic, stuck to what remains of his sarcophagus prison? I’m not sure what to make of that… I mean… what he’s wearing isn’t armour. It’s actually holding him back. Would stabbing him even have an effect on anything but the blade? It would be amusing if the sword turned into a chicken or something because of the raw magic. Maybe arrows become swarms of butterflies? Spells turn into something else, like a fireball might suddenly Summon Bigger Fish. I’m gonna go with my interpretation and award him a spell-binding Pro. I will not accept any corrections. :3
I actually ended up reading the bio for this one. Most of it, at least. Was kinda interesting. I’m not exactly sure how liquid vs solid this guy is, but since it’s been a while since I’ve played Metal Gear, I’m just going to assume he can change his firmness at will. While I can possibly see him being vulnerable to boiling, I don’t really see much in the way of weaknesses here. He’s a goo-man. No point in having clothes, since he doesn’t really have anything to hide. A blobby Pro. Possibly sticky too. … ew.
I don’t even understand what this is supposed to be. A demonic centaur? A maddening construct? Possessed armour? Though who would create armour shaped like that… I do see several gaps in the armour, but I’m not exactly sure they’re weak points. I mean… even if you shot an arrow or stuck a sword in there, would this thing even react? I am honestly not sure, so I see no choice but to give him a galloping Neutral.
I… have no idea what this is. I tried reading, and I don’t think Riot knows either. It spits. And it’s from the Void. Beyond that, I have no clue. Maybe it’s related to the Tyranids. I have no clue if its hide is thick, or if it has any weak spots. I mean, it has a lot of eyes, and a big, gaping mouth. And those head tentacles look a little spindly. So I am going to award it a tentative dribbling Neutral, and hope I don’t wake up with that thing standing beside my bed.
A sinister treant! With the wooden equivalent of a sock puppet. Yeah, I’d definitely run. I could bring out the fire hazard thing again, but see… this is living wood. Unlike mister scarecrow down there; living wood is a lot harder to ignite than dead wood. And he’s not going to stand still while you try to set him ablaze. So while fire is still an issue, axes should be avoided and you could likely set a flock of beavers on him, I think he’s viable enough to be granted a thespian Neutral for his puppetry.
A literal nightmare creature, huh? It doesn’t have a huge amount of armour, but then again it seems to be mostly wisp. If you cut it, does it actually bleed? Or get hurt? Or does your blade just pass through its smoky body? I’m sure magic could affect it. The real question is: Is the armour actually for protection, or is it just there because whomever dreamed up the creature felt it was scarier that way? The insecurity once again leaves me with little choice but to grant this one a sleepless Neutral.
I read the things, and I still have no idea what I’m looking at. Some sort of predecessor of Bowser? The back shell/hide looks formidable, and I assume he can somehow curl into a ball? The arms and legs are still exposed when not a ball, though. It still looks like shell covering his torso at least, so I’ll give him a strapping Neutral.
Apparently a stealthy stalker kitty. I looked for some images that showed me his chest, and he seems to have a chest-plate and everything. Maybe not something that would last very long in prolonged melee (especially with the open spots on his legs and arms), but apparently that’s not what he’s meant for either. Good enough for a prowling Neutral.
I left this off of the People list, because I dearly hope this isn’t a human, but rather another nightmare creature. He has shoulder guards, a silly hat that really only makes him more sinister, and otherwise just covering cloth garments. They do a good job of covering his body, even if they don’t look like they could stop any sort of weapon or magic. And are those colours and that hat really condusive to stealth? I’ll give him a phobia-inducing Neutral.
This looks like one of the orcs from Warcraft, only undead. I guess that arrow in his chest is to illustrate how little effect those have on him. He is very exposed though, likely for increased agility and speed, but the lack of pain response means he could receive injuries that reduce functionality without him even really noticing. Not sure if he actually uses physical muscles now though, or if magic takes care of all of that. I’m willing to award him a reanimated Neutral.
“But Wulfy” I hear you scream across the internet, “what is disappointing about this badass troll?”. Well, they took a character that used to be Troll-Jesus, and turned him into yet another evil frost troll. Only he’s a king, and he wants to… *goes to read* bring about the frozen apocalypse, I think. The story interweaves with Lissandra’s. I’m amazed they’ve put so much work into the LoL lore, when I’m sure 99% of the players don’t care. And only most of it is nonsense! /obviousbaiting Well, at least he looks more solid than the old Trundle, enough so that I’m willing to upgrade him to a clichéd Neutral.
Only slightly less ugly than Trundle, I am not quite sure what to make of this rat. I guess there aren’t many clothes that fit a sentient rat, and he is a ranged fighter. I guess he can get a mangy Neutral. If he had some hilarious pants, I might have bumped him up to Pro.
BEAR! This reminds me of that one from that Golden Compass movie/book thing. Very well-covering for a bear, but still a lot of openings for people to slide in a sword, arrow or bullet. Still, it is a bear. I really want to give him a Pro. I’m afraid an ursine Neutral is the best I can do though.
An undead gravedigger wielding a shovel. The ex-living hunchback of Final Rest Memorial. A fearsome figure, indeed. I’m sure he can be frightfully effective, but the fact remains that he’s not armoured, and hardly clothed. He is really bulky though. With that in mind, I will stretch myself to giving him a bumpy Neutral.
So… what am I looking at here, exactly? Is he… is he nude? Is that some sort of body suit? He doesn’t seem to have any genitalia, which might explain why his race is dying out… I am honestly confused. His scaly bits seem similar to those of Shyvana, but otherwise he seems to have a lot of uncovered skin. And those wings… I mean, I don’t know how tough his skin is supposed to be, but I have to admit it does not look very sensible, so I guess I’ll just give him a spiky Con. Sorry, dude.
I know a minotaur when I see one. His design is alright, I have no major issues with it as a minotaur, and I’m sure he’s really tough, being a tank and all. But it’s clear by those wounds that he is hardly invincible, and I doubt he has any sort of accelerated healing factor. With no protection beyond his skin, I’m afraid I have to designate this one an oxen Con.
A mummy… that cries. Right. I guess mummification rituals work quite differently in whatever land LoL takes place in. And he’s supposed to be a tank. He’s a fire hazard! And likely brittle. And it doesn’t seem it would take much to unravel those bandages. I’m sure you’re great, Amumu, but you’ve earned yourself a wrapped-up Con.
Even though I’m a pyromaniac, I don’t really see the merit in this thing. Sure, he’s scary, but it looks like you can simply trip him into a river or throw a bucket of water on him to make him explode. And what are those trousers made of to make them still stay on? While I have no doubt he’s a fierce caster, I’m giving him a flaring Con.
So… part Mr. Hyde, part purple Hulk? Big and strong, certainly, but also looks really stupid. Might be smart, but looks stupid. He does look slightly more solid than Alistar, so maybe I should give him a Neutral, but… if he’s not smart enough to design clothes that fit, he doesn’t deserve it. I’ll give him the mad Con. Plus just look at that tongue.
Fire hazard. Just look at him. He’d burn like the collection of kindling that he is. How do those ‘joints’ even turn? Okay okay, magic. I know. I’d hate to meet him somewhere without a lighter on me, but he doesn’t even look like he’d withstand a moderate shower of rain. And he’s ranged? Does he throw the scythe like a boomerang? You, my dear scarecrow, are a twiggy Con.
PS! I only now noticed he has a shark! That’s awesome. Won’t give him an upgrade, but it’s awesome.
So this one is a melee mage? He seems to have good protection on his head, shoulders and arms, but chest and midriff are completely open. He doesn’t even look like he can move that fast in that getup. He can gore someone by giving them a hug though, so I guess that’s something, but he’s still an electric Con.
Okay, maybe this was enough in the times when Egypt was a big power in the world, but honestly it has too many open areas these days. Someone with a lucky swing or good aim could bisect him without even striking metal. Sorry pooch, but you’re getting an instructional Con.
Another Egyptian-inspired thingy. He seems to be even less covered than Nasus up there, but I guess his scaly hide is a little tougher as well. Apparently he’s quite mad, and I tend to have a soft spot for insane characters. That’s not enough to save him from a reptilian Con though.
A badly stitched together sack of flesh sitting on a mechanical walking platform with several volatile-looking implements stuck onto it. Right. I think I’ll just award this one a seamy Con and move on.
Of course they had to have a werewolf too. Very exposed, but then again the idea of a werewolf is that it doesn’t need armour. I’m not sure this one has the same regenerative capabilities that ‘proper’ werewolves are meant to have though, so he could use something better. I looked at a proper frontal shot of him, and there’s a lot of exposed skin. Likely easy to run through. No favours for kin here, so he gets a lycan Con.
And there we go. All current champions listed on the official page evaluated. I will not normally update artwork though, unless it actually changes the official look of any champion. If it’s just a different angle/pose, I’ll leave the one I have.
I hope you’ve enjoyed this little experiment of mine. Maybe I’ll find more games I don’t play to look at in the future. :3 For now I am saying this is done.
Posted on December 27, 2012, in Games, Thoughts and tagged analysis, evaluation, League of Legends, LoL, male champions, overthinking it, part 2, Riot Games, videogames. Bookmark the permalink. 15 Comments.