Wulf Space Jam: The Road To Glory – Introduction

Match 1

After countless years underground, the Dwarfen Deep Explorers had succumbed to the whispers of Chaos. Their descendants renamed themselves the Chaos Dwarfs and sent an expedition back to the surface. With a Minotaur and several Hobgoblins in tow, and Bull Centaurs to to pull their carts (though the Bull Centaurs just ended up forcing the Hobgoblins to do that as well) they finally got out and saw the sunlight again after all this time, and it pissed them all off royally. How dare there be light and warmth coming from the sky? It hurts the eyes, it pricks the skin, it heats the armour and makes wonderful Dwarfen beards feel all sweaty and inelegant.

Emphasis on "Blood" and "Chaos". :3

To make matter worse there were Elves up here. Several different kinds even. This was unbearable. This called for war! However, after a rapid (and heated) War Council by the expedition leaders, they had to face the fact that they had neither the numbers nor the funds to conduct any kind of war. There was however an alternative. They remembered the ancient game, that all Dwarfs have played and loved for countless generations. The Emperor of all sports. They had been out of the game for a long time though. They were rusty, they were untrained, they couldn’t really remember the rules, or if there were any rules at all. So they hired a rather eccentric Werewolf who assured them that of course he (or she? How can you tell with werewolves?) knew all there was to know about the game, and they would naturally win the largest championship they could find. Thus Wulf Space Jam was formed and the road to con- to glory began!

Welcome, to Blood Bowl!

Edit: Adding new players as they’re hired.

Alright, then! Let me step out of the narrative here to explain the ground rules I’ve determined. I have set up the team to start with 3 re-rolls, 1 Minotaur, 1 of 2 possible Bull Centaurs, 5 of 6 Chaos Dwarf Blockers and 4 Hobgoblins. As more funds are acquired, I will be getting an Apothecary, then the 6th Blocker and the 2nd Bull Centaur. This does mean that two players will have to be reserves, but I will do my best to run on a rotation so everyone gets to play at least every other match. When it comes to injuries that incur Stat Loss, I will deal with that on a case-to-case basis. Like, if the Minotaur or a Blocker loses 1 Agility, that won’t really impact their gameplay much, but if it’s like -1 Armour or -1 Strength that would be bad. For injuries that actually cripple a player’s role, I will, when funds allow, replace them with an identical player of the same name, if that is reasonable. For deaths though, you are out. I might be persuaded to let you name your replacement, or I might simply pick someone else to name it after.

We are doing a Classic Championship (called The Shamoose Invitational) on Hard, and aiming for the trophy. If we actually do win, maybe we can export the team to a different competition, or take it online, and see how we fare. We’ll deal with that when the time comes.

To accompany each match, I will add some of the knowledge I’ve gathered about the game and do my best to try to explain game concepts, rules and even highlight a skill or two each time. Like for the first match I plan to tackle the block die, and maybe some basics of dice rolls in general. And then for the skill highlights I figured I’d do Block and Dodge, since those affect certain block die results. I’d love it if you would ask questions for things you’d like me to explain, and if I don’t already have it on my schedule, I’ll give it priority. I am not the ultimate expert on Blood Bowl or anything, so I will freely admit whenever there’s something I just don’t understand, like how exactly injury rolls work and what values do what. I mean, I’ll try to find out as best I can, but there are a lot of different rule-sets floating around, and Cyahnide themselves are notoriously obtuse.

Introducing: Wulf Space Jam

Even though it's featured in the intro, I don't think it's actually possible to fire the ball out of a blunderbuss.

There was some contention as to what to make the team motto, but in the end everyone could agree that the best reason to enter into Blood Bowl was “Those bloody Elves!”.

The next part of the agenda was to decide who went on the team, and in the end 11 brave souls volunteered (or were cajoled).

If the team does well, maybe more will be interested in joining.

This brave and bloodthirsty collection of… players will do their utmost to kill their opponents, and maybe even actually get the ball into the enemy end zone at some point. Without bloodshed, victory is meaningless. The eager bunch are:

Auluff, The Minotaur

Can Elves be eaten? The Dwarfs found Auluff sitting outside of a ruined labyrinth, and thought he’d make a great beast of burden, until he charged and crushed half a dozen of them. He was eventually subdued, partly with force, and partly with promises of more things to squash. So long as there were demons and others underworld creatures to fight, Auluff was largely content, and when the expedition to the surface was announced, he was not hard to convince to come along, since he likes nothing better than to meet new people and greet them with his fists or horns. Blood Bowl seemed perfect for him, though it took the Dwarfs no small amount of effort to explain to him that the matches actually ended at some point and he’d have to stop punching people until the next match started.

Pink Puttymaker, The Bull Centaur

From here, to there, to there, and back again will take... Even the Chaos Dwarfs don’t really understand the Bull Centaurs well, but the reality is that they are a lot more clever than they look. They can perform several advanced calculations in rapid succession to best figure out where they should be going, how to best get there, and what action to take once they arrive. Blood Bowl seemed like an excellent test of Pink’s skills, so he signed up immediately. As he is a tad too big to actually pick up the ball unless it’s handed to him, Pink prefers to play the interceptor and will run down anyone trying to get past the front line. While you’d rarely get him to admit it, as he prides himself on his brilliant mind, he enjoys the Puttymaker family tradition of knocking someone over and then stomping on them.

The Chaos Dwarf Blockers

While there were several Dwarfs who volunteered to go on the team, these five were chosen over the rest to be part of the starting line-up. A Dwarf’s gender is a very private thing, so who is male and who is female is really only known to themselves. With the armour on, all Dwarves are equal, and by tradition everyone is called ‘he’.

Silas Punchreys

My fist, your face, great match. Silas is probably the closest thing Auluff has to a friend. They both enjoy punching things to almost the same extent, although Silas has a wee bit more control. He was the first Dwarf who managed to sign up, though he had to knock two others out of the way to do so. After each match he plans to adorn his hat with marks for everyone he managed to knock over, with some added flourish if they were KO’d, seriously injured or killed. You might say he has an artist’s soul, even if his artistry is violence.

Jar Entropy

All the bling! Jar is from a part of the Chaos Dwarf cave complex that most of them rarely venture to. Even among his own he’s a bit of an outsider. The Chaos Gods have whispered to him of the end of the universe, and he believes it is imminent. So he has resolved to live out the rest of his short life as hedonistically as possible, and was actually one of the few truly eager to go to the surface as he wants to see and experience as much of the world as he can before it’s gone. He signed up for Blood Bowl because he believes that will gain him the funds he needs to travel the world and collect all the pleasures that exist.

Brutus Bashings

Now where can I fit more skulls? Brutus once met a wayward Halfling when he was out spelunking for new valuable ores. The Halfling actually looked relieved to see him, said something was chasing him, and asked for Brutus’s axe. Brutus gave it to him, the only way he could think of. There was no sign of whatever creature had supposedly been chasing the Halfling, but Brutus found a simple-looking ring in the short one’s clutched hand. He threaded it onto his beard. He thinks that occasionally it sounds like the voices in his head are arguing. As for why he signed up for Blood Bowl, well, he’s always believed in tradition.

Alexander Bloodthirst

I'm taking you with me. Alexander lived not too far from Jar, even though they had never actually met before the expedition. The Chaos Gods whispered to Alexander as well, but he’s easily distracted and didn’t really catch what they were saying. There was one phrase that stuck out to him, though. “Sow the fields with blood”. Alexander had read a book about farming, and decided to come to the surface to do what he believed was his decree. While he quickly set up a rudimentary farm, it didn’t seem like Hobgoblin blood was very useful, and he wasn’t about to use his own. So he signed up for Blood Bowl as that would give him the opportunity to gather several types of blood to see which one would work best.

Darken Cloud

Sooo warm. Darken might be the only Chaos Dwarf that actually enjoys the sunshine. In public he curses the sun like the rest of them, but when no one is looking he will occasionally risk a little sunbathing. Luckily Chaos Dwarf skin is already so dark that no one really notices. He didn’t actually know he liked the sun until he came up here, of course, but he understood immediately that he couldn’t share this with his fellow Dwarfs. His secret dream is to use his Blood Bowl earnings to construct some contraption that will allow him to get closer to the sun. There are several other Dwarfs that would approve of his plan, even if they would have entirely different motives.

The Hobgoblins

The Chaos Dwarfs are not exactly sure how more Hobgoblins happen, as there’s been no indication that these things even have a gender. They don’t particularly care though, as the Hobgoblins provide a nigh-endless supply of slave labour and are useful in filling out Blood Bowl teams. They still refer to the Hobgoblins by the traditional ‘he’.

L. V. Lovecrafter

Let's get this over with. L. V. might be the most fatalistic Hobgoblin in existence. He fully expects to die any day now (and is almost a bit surprised that it hasn’t happened yet), and doesn’t think Blood Bowl will affect those odds at all. He didn’t even grumble when he was selected for the team, he just accepted it as part of his inevitable fate. Live or die doesn’t really matter at this point, but he might as well hit something while he’s still standing.

Sumanai Jones

Yeah, sure, of course we will. A highly cynical Hobgoblin; Sumanai actually manipulated things so that he would be selected for the team, because the chance to actually hurt something else for once overrode his instinct that this was a really bad idea. Maybe this accursed sun will burn his eyes out, or someone will smash his skull in, or the team won’t even make it past their first match. But at least he’s got a new hat, and permission to smack people, and maybe they’ll even give him the ball, since it’s not like those thick Dwarfs can figure out how to hold one.

Bran Aldowyn

What's happening now? Bran is one of the youngest and most curious of the Hobgoblins. He’s never actually seen an Elf before, so isn’t sure what they are, or why the Chaos Dwarfs hate them so. He didn’t expect to be picked for the team, and wonders what the deal with the ball actually is. He can make a guess at why it’s called Blood Bowl though. It should be an interesting learning experience, if only to figure out whether hitting stuff with or without the glove will work best. And if he does good, maybe they’ll feed him better.

Physik Bowie

It's good to be king. Physik has a dream. It’s a glorious dream. One his Blood Bowl career will surely help him fulfill. Physik will become David Bowie and be the undisputed king of all Hobgoblins everywhere. Even the Dwarfs would have to respect him then. He would have a throne, because that’s what kings have. And a crown. It would all be so amazing. All he has to do is become the top player of Wulf Space Jam, and then when they win the Championship, he will have gotten there. It won’t be easy, but he has it all planned out. When he is David Bowie he will eat roasted Elf every night.

New Players

After Match 2: Jay-P Hurtington


Jay-P was Jar’s closest neighbour down in the tunnels, and the two had several adventures together. They both agreed to sign up to go to the surface, because it seemed like the next logical step. Jay-P is probably the stealthiest Dwarf you can imagine, and even the Chaos Gods would fail to notice him at times. You might not even know he’s there until he’s hit you. He wasn’t able to make the first line-up for the team, but he’s eager to join now that they were able to pay the fee to get him in. And with one Hobgoblin out for the next match, we can use the Dwarf-power.

After Match 5: Clare Chargalot

Clare Chargalot

It took a while to get the license to add a second Bull Centaur to our team, but Clare was more than happy to fill the role. While she is technically a mathematical genius, she has no patience for it, and prefers to run around chasing fluffy animals. You might imagine it’s for nefarious purposes, but she just loves them. She is not quite as fond of people, and since Blood Bowl allows her to both run and stomp on people, it was an easy decision to sign up. It is unsure whether Chargalot is her actual surname, or just a nickname due to her tendency to sprint everywhere. Hopefully this will improve our odds for Division 3. And yes, she does indeed style her own beard.

And there you have them, our magnificent team. The first play-off is approaching quickly, and surely these… players are up for the task.

Match 1



Posted on March 17, 2013, in Games and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 9 Comments.

  1. As much as i love the Brutus character, for obvious reasons, this line was clearly the best in the whole thing: ” Physik will become David Bowie and be the undisputed king of all Hobgoblins everywhere”

    Now i have to go watch labyrinth.

  2. Foolish me. Having a detailed lifelong dream is the surest way to get one-shotted in the first match. Then again, it could also mean getting the best chance at resurrection… ;D

  3. “a rather eccentric Werewolf who assured them that of course he (or she? How can you tell with werewolves?)”
    Really, what else do you expect, /Rita/?


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