Thoughts About Dating a Girl
[New chapter in the Cecilie and Linda story. Seems like letting this go is harder than I thought.]
So I have a girlfriend now. I think? I’m dating a girl. I’ve never been entirely clear on where the line between ‘dating’ and ‘couple’ goes. One of those ‘you just know’ kind of deals, perhaps.
I’ve dated before, sure, but only once did it turn into anything more than that. That’s the only guy I’d actually consider an ex. Dating a girl… it’s not that I have ever exactly been opposed to the idea, it’s more that it hasn’t ever been an idea. Never occurred to me. Between growing up in the country, and having a fairly small circle of friends, it wasn’t something that ever got brought up. Yet here I am.
Never really had cause to question my sexuality… er… actually, let’s not go there yet.
When it comes to dating I have always thought of it as getting to know each other better in such a way as to figure out whether or not you would work as a couple. A sort of interview process? Eesh, that sounds like such a cold way of putting it, actually. No matter how accurate it might be.
And we have been talking a fair bit the past week, trying to get to know each other better in more… personal terms. Not gonna lie, it’s been a bit awkward, but also kinda nice. Cecilie is really in love with me. She seemed a little embarrassed to admit it, but she might have been ever since she first noticed me, even if she didn’t realise until quite some time later. That’s when she started acting weird, I suppose.
Which is both sweet and scary. I’m not sure I’ve ever felt that strongly about anyone. Maybe when I was like 11 and crushing on boy bands. But to her I don’t think there’s any doubt that she’d want to be with me. She even told me I’m her first. Why does that make it feel like a responsibility I’m not sure I can live up to?
Why me, though? Maybe I should ask her, but I haven’t had the courage to. There’s something so… pure about her. I’m a little afraid to hear what she might answer. But I’m short, and plain-looking. I wouldn’t say I have a particularly impressive figure. There’s nothing special about me. I’ll admit I have a nice wardrobe, but nothing I wear could be called spectacular… Argh, no. Don’t go down this hole. It’s better to try to talk to her about it… when I’m ready.
But she’s the one who’s tall, and has a nice figure. She goes running several times a week, and while I haven’t asked, she probably does other exercises too. I can see when she’s wearing short sleeves or a skirt that she has actual muscle definition on her. I’ve been a little envious of that, but I genuinely don’t have the motivation to do the same. Yet she also has this shy side to her that’s really cute. She is really easy to read, which just makes it more embarrassing that I never figured it out on my own.
And I’m sure if she wanted to, she could just grab me, and… no brain, don’t go there. Not yet.
… yet, huh… if this works out, I’ll have to think about it eventually, but… I’m really not ready for that yet.
I’m walking around the porridge here though. How do I actually feel about her? I have never been the type to think things through in advance. I’ll go with the flow, and act or speak before I think. And then maybe ponder it later, like I’m doing now.
Cecilie is a good friend. We both moved in from out of town, and we don’t know that many other people here yet. She’s shy, and I’m a shut-in. For all intents and purposes she is my best friend right now, since almost everyone else I know are either still at home, or attending school in other cities. She’s only one year younger than me. She’s cute, pretty, and adorably earnest. Yet I worry whether I was too hasty in agreeing to go out with her.
It seemed like a good idea at the time! I really wasn’t thinking it through that thoroughly. I was shocked at the confession, relieved that it wasn’t anything horrible, and I felt sorry about the misunderstanding I had caused. Sure there was, and still is, something quite appealing about it, but I also felt like I didn’t want to hurt her any more than I accidentally did. And the way she lit up when I gave my answer… I could have hugged her right there and then, but I wasn’t sure if it was appropriate. Now I worry whether I’ve actually done us both a disservice.
So did I just get caught up in the moment? Is it going to turn out I’m not actually interested, and I’m just going to hurt her worse? Fuck me… I really don’t know. But… I do like her. I should give this an honest try. It really isn’t my style to overthink things, so what I am doing spending my evening like this?
We are going on our first actual date this weekend. Or second? No, let’s just call this the first one. I’m really not sure what to call that thing last week. Part of me feels like it’s a little soon, but can you call it dating if we don’t go on dates? The science museum might not be the most romantic place, but it’s something we’re both interested in. Maybe I’ll try holding her hand, see what that feels like…
I’ll try to get my project done before then, but I’m feeling very easily distracted for some reason.
[Sequel: First Date]